dating is dead!

Now before you go saying that I’m a bit too harsh on men. At least just hear me out for a couple of paragraphs, if my argument manages to go that far. I might just be the most unlucky woman in the world, or I must be meeting the most hopeless, penny with a hole, men!

I don’t remember the last time I was out on a proper date. And so we are all on the same page, let me define the word ‘proper’. Disclaimer: the examples are just that; examples. You’d much rather focus on the principal. I don’t remember the last time when I was on a date where:

1. The man clearly without a shadow of a doubt asked me out on a date.

Meaning he announced his intentions to not just discuss American Politics and whether we as Kenyans should have deported that random author dude but instead to get to know who I am and see whether the initial attraction he felt when he saw my shiny lip gloss, my sparkling smile, my cleavage in spite of the turtleneck sweater and my one off intelligent comment was actually valid and not just a passing weak and lustful moment.

2. The man attempted to figure out what I like and further attempted to impress me with it.

I am a huge fan of neo soul music and I would be impressed if someone went out their way to find a Jill Scott CD to play on our date just because he wanted to impress me. Or if he went driving all the way to Zuccini to buy me Sunflowers which I absolutely adore. Or if he took me out to Misono and couldn’t tell sushi from sashimi but just wanted to see me smile. I mean, how adorable is that?

3. The man made engaging conversation ranging from sports to baking.

I don’t watch much sports and the last time I baked, it was for my Home Science final in High School. But my point is that, I try to remain informed about everything; not in detail but I do have an opinion. And I would like someone to engage me in good conversation about the last book he read, the last play he watched, the Fibre Optic cable and its implication on Internet speeds. I mean, whatever! What happened to good conversations where you would be up all night on the phone or until the sun rose?

4. The man flirted without bordering on crass or being outright rude.

You have such hot boobs is not a compliment. No, it’s not. And neither is it flirting. If you are flirting, you will see the girl out of the woman right there and then and she’ll be genuinely at a loss for words.

5. The man’s hand didn’t become an extension of my hair, my arms, my thighs, my everything.

Please just don’t touch me inappropriately. In fact, don’t touch me at all. You are allowed to gently place your hand at the low of my back if we are crossing the street or you are letting me into the car. Beyond that, you are being inappropriate!

6. The man gave me 100% attention

Not the Iphone which keeps ringing loudly and he keeps picking and having long conversations. Ipod which is strategically placed on the table just for my admiration. Ithingy sticking out of ear which he speaks into sporadically without warning. Ichic on next table who he waves at, says hi to loudly and proceeds to go have a long discussion with and any other Igadget thingy that makes him for one moment take his eyes of me.

7. The man offered to pay and when I offered to chip in, insisted that it was all on him.

Let’s see…did you not ask me out? Then please, pay the bill. I’m asking to chip in out of being polite and if you can’t see that you are clearly the improper date I’m on about. Politely decline my offer and insinuate that we can ‘discuss’ that on the next date. We have to teach you everything.

8. The man didn’t attempt to lay one on you at the parking lot – yes, a sloppy beer-stinking kiss.

Nothing more to say. I mean, he didn’t even pick me up from home, so he s slapping one on me at some strange parking lot…probably at Buffet Park or Alfajiri or Tamasha (God forbid all three)

9. The man didn’t call to find out if I found my way home safe…nor did he call the next day to thank me for gracing him with my presence.

Enough said.

So as you can see, it’s no wonder I haven’t been on a good and proper date lately. I dare someone to tell me that I haven’t read way too many books from Bookstop Yaya or watched too many DVDs from my guy at Prestige!

I want a real date!

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